Time Apart

So Wednesday afternoon, I get to see my husband, whom I haven't seen since November 5th. It's not the longest period of time we have been away from each other. During his Nuke schooling, I saw him twice from Feb. 14th to July 26th. There's been huge chunks of underways and him doing training in other states that he's been gone for too, but this time it feels different, because of what happened. I know he's fine. We are okay and everything. It's just that I currently hate myself right now and after thinking of the possibility that my husband wasn't happy with me that way. It  rips at my self esteem . Sorry about the spelling. He tells me all the time that to him I'm the sexiest thing on two legs and I always roll my eyes. I've never been super thin or super heavy until I had my son. Now all I want more then anything is to fix back in the jeans I wore before I got married and pregnant. Lord knows it's a lot easier to add those pounds then it is to loose them. Plus we are trying for number two and I don't want to work really fricking hard only to gain weight again. I was doing okay until I moved home. Now I'm back to drinking way too much coke and saying yes to McDonalds, which before I moved back I hadn't had in almost 2 years. I love Mc chickens. lol. weak spot. I have a goal for the start of the new year. No soda. Cold turkey. I'm not going to have fast/fried food anymore as of NOW. I don't fry anything at home anyways. I really don't want my son to struggle with his weight. So I'm good about food at home and super good with him. granted yes I struggle with getting anything green in him unless it's covered in cheese. We're working on it. So back to my nerves. I feel like I look like shit and I don't want my husband to see me in any undressed fashion. I don't feel sexy or remotely attractive lately, but we are trying and after this chunk of leave I see him for more than 6 months. I was shy with him the first huge chunk of time we were apart. I just wish I felt different.