Sunday, May 1, 2011

Promises I made

When I became a mother, I promised my son I would love him no matter what. I know that there will be times when I don't agree with him and times where he will make me mad, but I WILL NEVER MAKE HIM FEEL WORTHLESS OR NOT GOOD ENOUGH. I will make the same promise to all my children when I have them.
My mother is an alcoholic. She drinks a whole 250ml bottle of vodka a night. Usually within a couple hours. I didn't know as a child and I hated her for it as a teen. As a young adult, I stopped caring when I moved away and started my own family. Now that I'm living in my home town just 5 minutes from my parents house, I have to deal with it again and tonight I snapped. She says stupid and hurtful things when she's drunk. Which she forgets about the next day because she's so drunk. Tonight after giving her her mother's day gift early, which I had to drive to bath and body works in a town 30 minutes away. (I spent 40 bucks on body wash and my sister spent $35 on hand soap for her Plus the lily bulbs I bought her at farm and fleet, $15) She calls my sister up and tells her she feels cheated because we gave my dad his fathers day/birthday gift too and that she's pushed and pushed and has had no help from us. She's dead serious about it too.  We gave my dad 2 lawn mower seats. They were on sale and we each bought one.($34&$37)  Really mom? FUCKING REALLY?  His birthday is June 11th and hers is June 17th. Now I believe in buying shit when it's on sale. So since we didn't know which seat he wanted and they are usually over $100. We both got him one. Now I had every intention of getting her a birthday present closer to her birthday. We normally get her flowers, a card and a gift on her birthday. The works.  Maybe in her drunken state she forgot that. I don't know. I know when I called her back after my sister told me what she said. I was livid and I tried really hard at first not to yell or curse, but at the end of her denying she was drunk and telling me to stop calling her actions complete BS, I was swearing like a sailor and telling her not to ever call again she that's what she was going to do. Then I hung up. I don't get mad often and when I do it's bad. I have bloody hot Irish anger.
Why'd it bothered me so much? She once said my birthday wasn't as important as my sisters and had said numerous times when I was a child that I was my dad's to take care of. She constantly made me feel worthless when I was younger. It took me a long time not to feel that way. Moving over 1000 miles away was the only thing that made our relationship better. The fact that I didn't have to deal with her drunk ass every night. I have no problem with the sober her. I do love her, but I will never understand her need to get drunk and fuck everything up.
It just really pisses me off. I recently bought them a new computer, Microsoft student, and printer, because she really needed a new one for her schooling. I borrowed them $750 for a new tractor/lawnmower. I gave both my parent $100giftcard for Christmas last year and the year before I bought them a brand new expensive grill on top of giving my mom money for it too. My sister is constantly loaning her money or otherwise she'll spend money they don't have. When we had my son's birthday party at her house. I helped out and THANKED her profusely afterward for all her help.  My dad just had double knee surgery and I've called every time she's asked me to and done everything she's asked me too. I'm taking him to a couple doctors appointments this week for her since she has to work. Nothing is good enough for her. I know mow that my anger has lessened. I shouldn't have lost my temper, but after everything I've done for her and everything my sister has done, I don't think what she said was warranted. I don't like to bitch very often but every once in a while. I just have to let it out.  I never want my kids to think that they aren't good enough and that i don't car about them Especially over material things. I'm not really big on hallmark holidays anyways, I'm a mom and I don't care if I get anything from anyone for it. I'm just happy for my son's love.

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